ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.