As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
You Might Also Like
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Jogging
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..