You Might Also Like
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.