I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.