If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
😂😂
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
TRAIN’S HERE
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.