help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?