If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
A leaf blower, but for people.