“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in