11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.