When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
You Might Also Like
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal