So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Good morning!
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
TRAIN’S HERE
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
shit just got real
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people