My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty