When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
You Might Also Like
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.