The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
what does he know…
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy