me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
You Might Also Like
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Going to church you guys need anything
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.