When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout