Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
You Might Also Like
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.