ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.