Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Pretty much. 🤣
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore