me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?