Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied