It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
You Might Also Like
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.