*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.