It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Guantanamo Bae
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS