Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You had me at “define legal”.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Need this in my life lol
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order