If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
🤣😂
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
#FunnyLife Insects
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.