Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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This squirrel eats better than I do
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.