People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.