My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
You Might Also Like
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
mariah carrie
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.