Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The pasta is now
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.