Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
your honor my client chooses dare
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!