When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*