After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You Might Also Like
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.