“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
You Might Also Like
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug