*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.