To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Help Wanted
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Confused owl: What?!
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.