Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)