I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Worst bar ever.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
broke down and did it
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between