Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
You Might Also Like
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.