I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I am also baked goods
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I hate my earbuds.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else