Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
goldfish mafia
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Butt weight. There’s more!
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.