I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
mumsnet is amazing
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
SPLOOT
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.