35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude