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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Ape together strong
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
multitasking lunch
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also