*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Cake!!
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.