🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space