My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
monday
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.