the clam before the storm
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My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol