Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
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[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?