[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?